how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize