My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
