She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
