I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
