people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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