i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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