im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
