Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
