I am spending my child support on dildos
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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