I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
