Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
