Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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