I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
