I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
