Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Randomize