he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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