You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
