hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
