Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
