no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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