birth control should be required to get into college
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
