just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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