she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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