Dude my mom stole all your condoms
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize