Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
