Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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