Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
