Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
