I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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