Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
