$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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