How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
