Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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