You can't motorboat a personality
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
