I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
