On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
