So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You need Xanax blowdarts
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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