Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am one with the molecules
i need some magic done to my vagina
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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