that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
