Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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