things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
