I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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