mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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