No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
