So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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