I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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