My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
