I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
