totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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