My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
