my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I forgot how hot balto sounded
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
