i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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