seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
