I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Let's paint friendship bongs
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
