I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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