Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
