what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
