i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
