I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize