did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
