saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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