wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
whose parrot is this?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
