you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
